Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Another note on Q, Q part 2. Aaaand then more insufferable notes.

Sending love into the windy night.

Talked to some of the OGs and got more information about the death. Dan and I went to music school together; the memories seem now more precious. Everyone agrees that suicide was unsurprising, that we all saw it coming, that he is finally as close to peace as he'll ever be. It's still such a strange thing.  Rest in peace, or in your equivalent thereof, Q.


Spine was much better in the afternoon and evening once again. I didn't even take drugs after my initial morning druggage.  And even with said morning druggage, driving to bio and bio class were terribly painful.  I came close to just packing up and heading home but then I wondered, would home feel less awful?  But then mysteriously there was improvement in the afternoon. Could have been any number of reasons.

Hips are pretty good today and I'm thrilled to be walking much more normally. Not gimp free but close this evening! What will the morning bring?  Why are my mornings so horrendous?

Interesting symptoms du jour: pain is duller but radiating more. Some interesting gut pain all day near areas of injury. Left foot seems to have a heard time getting warm and has has a spot near the top of the foot/base of 1st toe that is experiencing nerve-related stuff (tingling sensation).  This has been going on for a few days, more noticeable today.

Holy data collection.  I think we're almost done.  I hope.  The morning misery can't last forever...
Getting there...

Anyway, again - screw all that.  My mind keeps wandering to Q.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Daniel Quinlan.

Changing topics briefly now to discuss what's actually on my mind:

How can we cure them without breaking them?

Daniel Quinlan methodically placed a bullet through his skull after a lifelong struggle with a major depressive illness. I'll remember his wonderful laugh, Pam's birthday at recital lab, and snowshoeing just last year when we realized we'd known each other for years but never really hung out until then. The other stuff isn't important.

Actually, it IS important. Will we as a community ever figure out how to help our fire-hearted, terminally-mentally-ill neighbors?

I listen all the time to the four Macrofuser tunes from the old demo. Sometimes I still wear the slightly tattered shirt. It is comforting to know I'll always have this snapshot of Dan's strengths. His own art.

Sending love to his friends and wishing there'd been some way for him to just hang on.


It seems at though the hitch is officially on the right.  Been thinking that this version on back injury 4.0 is perhaps more similar to 2.0 than 3.0...

Feeling a little hopeful:  I can now, finally, in the evening, get into a plank pose!!!  I still can't do pigeon to the right (right knee bent, left extended out behind) without a giant shock of pain that I can't seem to work out.  It's not a flexibility issue, not a tightness, but some sort of something that is catching on something else or noshing on a nerve. I've pushed and pulled and tugged and pressed and the glide just won't go.  I am trying to be patient, I am I am...!

The rolling helped the hips some and my core is happy with the isolations. But last night's sleep attempts were so miserable that my bed and I are hereby not speaking. Going to try the couch today.

Morning was junk, pain wise, as usual, and being exhausted didn't help. I blame myself even though they say one ought not do so. In class I stood and sat and sat and stood and shifted and leaned and could hardly focus. Tried to redeem myself with a long study session afterward in the library but I was like an ADD kid, the mind was just all over the place.  So I gimped my way back to the car and home to roam.

Odd little things that hurt (like 5 or 6 out of 10.  Not twinges but more like shocks.) in the mornings, and have all along for the past 9 days now: moving head/looking downward while sitting. Throat clearing. Coughing. Breathing deeply.  Better today: checking blind spots was much improved. Getting into and out of car / bed, better.  And did I mention getting into plank/push up pose?! Not exciting but I'll take it...!

So that IS technically progress. All is not lost. Not yet.

Today's question is: Is the insufferable morning discomfort occurring because I've not taken ibuprofen for a good 12 hours by that time?  Or is actually related to something about how I sleep (or don't...) or what I do in the morning?   I would guess it's the former but of course who knows.

Pathetically yours,

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Getting some ass...

...onto the foam roller, that is.  PM update: Taking advantage of the amount of ibuprofen in my system, by evening, I went back to the mat to try and make the nasty hip pain go away.  I figured there had to be a pretty easy way since NOTHING IS WRONG WITH THEM.  The poor things probably hurt because I haven't been able to properly walk for a week now... which by the way is total bollocks, in case there was any doubt about this.

Made some progress using my "any stretch in which you are barely moving is good" theory. Sat on the foam roller like it was a hollow log and rocked almost imperceptibly for some minutes.  The goal was to get into pigeon pose afterwards.  And I got most of the way there!!  Extended seal worked tonight too.

I think I'll do one more mat sesh with isolations ere sleep. This would all be one step closer to enough mobility &stability that I can return to focusing on fixing the column of despair. Lots of time per day is always a plus.  Boring but necessary for now, eh.